


even as the world ends, I'll still choose you

by Shadowtravelingtitans



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24331399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowtravelingtitans/pseuds/Shadowtravelingtitans
Summary: He sees a strong chin and the point of a nose, strands of hair dark as the starless night and for the first time in a while he relaxes. Shuts his eyes and shuffles deeper into the chest he’s known for many nights. A part of him realizes what this means, the utter chaos that they have left in their wake, the fact that he’ll be marked traitor as well and his friends are now out of reach forever. However another part, a darker, more selfish part doesn’t care anymore. The arms holding him tighten and Armin finally rests.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	even as the world ends, I'll still choose you

They tell him Bertholdt is the Colossus. Logically he knows this, all the evidence points to it. He knows what he has to do now, he knows how this scene will play out. But this feels different from when he had to trap Annie. Annie was a friend, was someone he admired and liked. Bertholdt was...Bertholdt was Bert. His Bert. 

Bertholdt was the Colossus. Bertholdt was also his lover. Bertholdt caused the deaths of all the inhabitants of Wall Maria. Bertholdt also held him whenever he had nightmares or his insecurities piled up. He sat close to him in the library on their days off, listening to his theories about the outside world. He shared quiet jokes and was a solid comfort on those days when Armin felt he’d collapse and no one would notice. 

He grits his teeth and hates the Captain, hates the Commander and hates everything that has conspired to take the only good thing besides his friends he’s been allowed. And for the first time he hates the outside world, because they sent him Bertholdt only to take him away again.

When they confront them, Bertholdt has changed. They argue on rooftops and Bertholdt asks him to just die. Armin wishes he could. 

Then he appears before him and tells him that none of them are devils, but that doesn’t change anything. Armin wishes it did.

Armin holds up his swords, which they both know is useless. Bertholdt in turn lowers his, he doesn’t change his posture.

“Armin, please. Stop fighting me.” Armin huffs, his shoulders sagging.

“It’s not like these can hurt you anyway, right?” He states lifting his blades, before sheathing them. 

“Fuck this. Fuck them and fuck you. I can’t believe they want me to do this.” Armin hisses, before raising his head to look directly at Bertholdt.

“You know they’ve surrounded you. Hanji and them.” Bertholdt nods. 

“Of course you do. Why wouldn’t you, this plan was fucking stupid -”

“Armin.”

“No! No. You’re going to kill me and everyone I know, so you at least owe me a fucking explanation, asshole.”

“Armin, I already told you why you have to die-”

“Did you love me?”

“Armin, you really want this conversation right now, with them around.” He pleads.

“You’re going to kill me anyway, right? Consider this my dying request.” Bertholdt sucked in a breath.

“Was any of it real? Or was I just a way for you to forget who you really were? Did you even love me?”

“Of course I loved you!” Bertholdt shouted.

“How the hell am I supposed to believe you? How? Please tell me, because I really want to, okay?” He shouts back, wincing at the break in his voice.

“Armin...” Bertholdt sheathes his swords immediately, stepping forward a little before stopping.

“No! We were…we were supposed to see the ocean, together. We were supposed to survive and get married and retire in relative peace and spend our days traveling the new world and reading to each other and we were gonna get a dog and name him Marcel after your friend and you were supposed to be with me. By my side. We were supposed to have each other. And now, I...” He croaked out, his vision blurry, his face hot.

Before he knew it Bertholdt was right in front of him, his arms reaching around his shoulders and the act of something so comforting, something so forbidden on this battlefield filled him with grief.

The wail he lets out doesn’t sound human, at least not to him. His face burns, his throat hurts, and he aches to just break something, anything. He settles for slamming his fists on his lover’s chest. Bertholdt lets him, holds him as he screams and cries and punches, all the while whispering how sorry he is. It makes Armin hate himself more for what he has done.

“I’m so sorry, Bertholdt.” Armin whispers after he has calmed down, pushing away from his lover. Bertholdt opens his mouth to say something, when he spots the small, empty syringe in Armin’s hand. 

By the time Bertholdt reacts, it’s too late. The paralyzing agent has done its job in immobilizing him. Hanji and her squad are on him in seconds. Everything happens too fast for him to conceptualize. All he sees is Bertholdt. He wishes he’d look at him with anger or betrayal. Instead all he sees is understanding in those dark eyes of his and he wishes he were dead.

When Mikasa comes and wipes his cheek with her thumb, a quiet murmur of apology, he knows he is.

Once all is said and done, the death toll is still high. The beast titan must have noticed something had gone wrong since the Colossus never truly joined the battle. By the time they realize, he has taken Reiner back and retreated. Wall Maria is sealed and the basement reveals to Erwin and all that his father was right. They arrive home as heroes.

The Commander thanks him for helping them capture the Colossus titan. Captain Levi also thanks him, but one look at Hanji and Armin notices the hesitation. Hanji said nothing after they returned, just squeezed his shoulder and left. He wonders briefly if they’ll tell the Captain and Commander what happened. He realizes he doesn’t actually care anymore. 

Hanji is in charge of interrogation and Armin respectfully declines being a part of it. Hanji nods in understanding. A few weeks go by, but Armin barely bats an eyelash to it’s passage. He never sleeps but is always tired. He is hungry, but food makes him nauseous. Mikasa tries to talk to him, but his tongue feels heavy. Besides, Mikasa also has Eren to worry about. The truth has had a much deeper impact on him than Armin. The ocean no longer seems appealing.

Eventually he is sent to the infirmary, Mikasa having claimed he had been feeling ill. Whether she believed her lie or not was not debated between Eren and herself. Hanji nods and gives him a sedative.

He is in and out of sleep for who knows how long after that. On one such occasion he hears Reiner and Bertholdt and wonders what kind of dream he is having, until he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder. He realizes that Reiner has broken Bertholdt out. Bertholdt is here. He knows he should shake off the sedative and fight back, but he’s exhausted. Instead he lets himself be lulled into his dreamless state and hopes that Bertholdt kills him swiftly.

He registers the surface he’s resting on jostling about and wonders briefly who is shaking the cot, only to feel a breeze brush his bangs. He tries not to tense up, as he catalogues the sensations throughout his body. His body is wrapped in a cloak, his head is mostly covered, and he is held in someone’s arms, head resting on a firm and warm chest, a heartbeat in his ear. He opens his eyes slightly, his gaze moving upward to confirm the identity of the man holding him as if some precious beau. 

He sees a strong chin and the point of a nose, strands of hair dark as the starless night and for the first time in a while he relaxes. Shuts his eyes and shuffles deeper into the chest he’s known for many nights. A part of him realizes what this means, the utter chaos that they have left in their wake, the fact that he’ll be marked traitor as well and his friends are now out of reach forever. However another part, a darker, more selfish part doesn’t care anymore. The arms holding him tighten and Armin finally rests.

When he awakens again he is in a bed. This time he does move around and turns to sit up to assess his surroundings. He looks around at the mundane room, titling his head at some of the pieces that seem new and strange compared to what the rooms at the SC had. Suddenly he remembers he is no longer within the walls. His eyes land on a figure sleeping on the chair next to his bed. Bertholdt’s legs are resting atop the chair, whereas the rest of him has found the floor a suitable resting place. 

Armin’s chest bubbles at the mundanity of the situation and laughter spills from his lips before he can stop it. His eyes sting as something wet rolls down his face, but his throat bubbles and he smiles. Bertholdt’s eyes open immediately, finding Armin. He scrambles upwards to sit next to the blond, his eyebrows furrowed. Armin doesn’t hesitate to throw his hands around Bertholdt’s chest and he burrows his face in his chest. Instinctively Bertholdt has wrapped his arms around him, one hand cradling his blond head. 

They stay like that for a while, Armin sobbing in his arms and Bertholdt whispering in his ear, before Bertholdt lays back on the bed bringing Armin along with him. 

“Can you forgive me?” He whispers. He hears a gasped sob.

“Can you forgive me?” Armin asks instead. Bertholdt huffs.

“I can’t hate you for doing what you thought was right, Armin.” 

“Well then, there’s your answer.” They stay silent for a while and Bertholdt believes Armin has fallen asleep once more.

“I’ve thought about it and I don’t think this war is anyone’s fault. It’s certainly not yours and it isn’t ours. It just also doesn’t matter. This world is a cruel place.” Armin squeezes his eyes tight.

“However, because the world is cruel, I won’t give you up. I’m a selfish man. I have no intention of stopping my duty, but I won’t let you leave either. You are mine, I won’t allow anything to change that. Not even you..”

Armin listened quietly.

  
“I’m yours.” He whispered and his lover tightened his arms around him.  _ Just as you are mine. _

**Author's Note:**

> Now, I know that this is a very, very rare pair, especially since, ya know, one is dead. However, pesky things like death has never stopped me before, so why would it now.


End file.
